My Divinity Reflected In Your Eyes

My Divinity Reflected in Your Eyes

What is it about relationships? Especially our primary one -- you know, “the love of your life?” Oh, the falling in love stage, it’s so sweet. It’s the time we get to see who we truly are, our divinity. We get to experience union with the beloved and it is blissful! We see our perfection through the eyes of our beloved. But then, after a few years something happens, something so disturbing and upsetting it sometimes ends the relationship.

We wake up one morning and realize we don’t have a clue who this person is we fell in love with. And the scariest part is they are feeling the same way.

Fear begins to creep into the joy, the bliss. There’s doubt, insecurity, criticism, judgment, pulling away, blame, oh yes, our good friend blame and of course there is anger. The power struggles begin, who is going to get it their way? Who’s right, who’s wrong?

This is when we need courage, lots of it sometimes, because “relationships are the master game” as my old professor used to remind us. He had been married five times and had gained a certain amount of ‘street’ wisdom about relationships. He was also the one that taught me to begin to embrace all of who I am, even the not so pretty parts.
Which brings me back to relationships. That’s why they demand courage, because when we look into the eyes of our beloved we see ourselves…all of who we are….The good, bad and the embarrassing. And that can be frightening.

I recently ran away from a relationship, took a break, thought he was the problem. I found myself wondering how much was about me and how much was about him? It didn’t take me long to realize I was really running away from me, from the uncomfortable feelings that the relationship had kicked up in my face. I wasn’t sure I wanted someone so close, so intimate. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if I didn’t like what I saw? And what would that mean about me?

You know how they say you can’t love someone else till you love yourself? Well I don’t think that is totally true. How do we separate ourselves from another in order to learn to love ourselves? That’s right, we can’t. We aren’t separate. It is a dance, a flow back and forth -- another reason why relationships can be difficult.

It's a big question: How do I take care of myself and take care of the other at the same time and how do I let them take care of me and encourage them to take care of themselves at the same time?

But listen, this is the point, Relationships are supposed to bring up all these issues and more! That’s the nature of relationship, to bring to the surface our needs, our desires and the parts of us that want to be heard, healed and integrated. Relationships are a path, I think a spiritual path or at least a path towards greater self awareness and love.

I just read a Facebook conversation about relationships and it was filled with idealisms about how loving, open and transparent relationships should be. I think what was missed is that the mere nature of transparency is to show all of who we are and that will make the relationship not look ideal sometimes. It will get messy, painful, infantile, and frightening sometimes. But contrary to popular opinion this isn’t bad; it is good, because with presence, support and yes, love, we can learn to embrace each other's pain, wounding and younger feelings that sometimes make us do things that aren’t ideal. And in this process of opening to our deepest vulnerabilities, we find we not only begin to love our partner more but we miraculously find we love ourselves more.

In the Greek myth, Narcissus loves his image as reflected in the pool, but over time, as he looks deeper and deeper in the pool he begins to see who he truly is and eventually falls in love with his true nature, his divinity. He then falls into the pool becoming one with the Beloved or with divinity itself. The wood nymph says to the pool, “Don’t you miss Narcissus, he was so beautiful?” The pool says,” Oh was he beautiful? I didn’t notice. I miss him because when he looked into the pool I could see my divinity reflected in his eyes.”

Feelings - Call Them To your Arms

Feelings-Call them to your arms

By Ann Barton

“Embracing that hurt you feel turns to joy. Call it to your arms so it can change.”-Rumi

Presence brings inner peace. Whatever I am feeling, fear, anger, grief, even jealously or hatred will call up a feeling of inner peace when I can be present with these feelings. When I embrace them, accept them, even love them I then feel an emotional alchemy. These feelings transmute into joy, acceptance and peace.

I am reminded of the first time I was aware of this alchemy. My cousin was 5 and I was babysitting him. I was 21 and a new psychology student. He got very mad at me over something I felt bad about. I decided to try and talk with him about it, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth he was laughing and ready to play chase with me. I was astounded by how quickly he got over his anger, almost as if it never happened. Young children do this all the time, because they feel, express it and move on.

I had an experience of this the other day. I was on the phone trying to make an appointment with my doctor’s receptionist. She was not listening to me. I said what I wanted again and again. She just kept telling me that what I was asking for was impossible. I got more and frustrated and began to be rude and angry towards her. I stopped myself in mid–sentence when I realized how reactive I was being. So I said I would call her back later. I got off the phone and sat there feeling this anger flowing through my body, through my veins like blood. It was actually quite invigorating and felt like life force itself filling me up with a lively energy.

I began to enjoy the experience I was feeling and was able to ask myself why I had been so reactive with this woman. I then had a memory of trying to tell my mother something and she just wouldn’t listen and I realized how much I yearn to be heard and listened to. It wasn’t about getting my way; I just wanted to be acknowledged for my request.

I was then able to call her back and apologize for my rudeness. I told her about my frustration. At that point, she understood my request. I felt a deeper understanding and compassion for myself and my deep desire to be heard.

This experience brought me a feeling of inner peace because I embraced my feeling of anger. It also brought me closer to the woman on the phone and I imagine she felt a sense of inner peace as well.

Another story comes to mind. A friend of mine was studying with a spiritual teacher and he asked one of the monks whether the teacher ever has challenging feelings like he has. Or if when one is enlightened they don’t have these feelings anymore. The monk smiled and said that yes the teacher had all the feelings that all humans have, he just moves through them more quickly.

I think what this meant is that he is so present with whatever emerges out of his psyche, he immediately embraces the feelings, bringing his presence to the experience. It gets heard. The experience is allowed to complete, as it did with my five-year old cousin – angry one moment, joyful the next.

In my practice I see this happen every time a client has the courage to allow their feelings full expression. It really is emotional alchemy. “Feelin’ it, is Healin’ it”

I invite you to-“Call it to your arms so it can change”

Tip o' Day 1-16-10

Quick, easy way to flush your mental cooties -- write them in an email and address it to thedevil@hell.com or neverneverland@lettinggo.net, then close your eyes and press send, listening to that delicious "whoosh" sound (you have to have a Mac to hear it), but if you're on PC, just make the whooshing sound yourself.

"Avatar" and the Male Dominator Archetype

The movie Avatar. It has been working deep inside me like dreams do. I have been living with it, allowing it to affect me, to move me. I was depressed by the white male stereotype of murder for profit. This archtype is deeply ingrained in our culture. History shows it hasn't changed much.. We are still using the preditor archtype to kill the preditor archtype to create peace.

I just read the Plato quote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I think the power of this movie is to think of it like a dream, as all the parts are parts of our psyches. As we would say in our dream group, “If this were my dream…”

And if this were my dream, I see the Colonel as my inner predator; the part of my psyche that thinks the only way to deal with fear is to kill off that which I am afraid of. For instance my vulnerable feelings, my empathy, my grief, my sensitivity, my hurt feelings, my powerlessness, and my ignorance, even my anger. Anything that doesn’t fit the status quo, doesn’t fit what my parents, the culture says is ok.

And yet this is where the healing is, to own and integrate these feelings, to honor them. How can we feel empathy if we are cut off from our own feelings? We can’t.

We can’t feel ourselves, we can’t feel others, even our loved ones, and we can’t feel the earth and all the life she supports.

Socrates also said, “Know thyself”. I think he meant to bring all of who we think we are to consciousness so we can see who we truly are. So that we can “know” our authentic nature. Like they say in the movie, “I see you”. To truly “see” ourselves.

We must first bring forth all of who we aren’t. By this I mean the mistaken beliefs that our inner predator tells us. Like “we are stupid”, “useless”, unworthy” or simply, “never good enough”, etc. This list could go on and on.

The importance of unveiling the inner predator’s voice is to recognize the deeper voice, which is one of fear. Fear that we won’t survive if we do not live within the status quo. And to understand that this voice is a wounded voice. Wounded because it is the part of us that was told, “not to cry”, have a “stiff upper lip”, “you’re too emotional”, “hide your feelings” etc..

We must learn to be kind to ourselves and to others, as we are all on this mythic journey towards healing. In order to heal we must integrate our feelings, our many voices, because this also is a mistaken belief, that we are anything other than ONE.

There is no part that needs to be killed or gotten rid of, just understood and loved.

I recognize myself in the Marine Boss. The part of me that is cut off from the earth, from the Mother. I am he when I am afraid there won’t be enough money, or just enough of anything, I am he when I hate myself because I am vulnerable or have made a mistake or have eaten foods that aren’t that healthy and in turn I am he when I don’t take care of myself and tell myself it doesn’t matter, that I don’t matter. I am he when I feel angry that I can’t control my world, my kids or the President of the US.

I am he when I drive my car, walk on cement, or get take-out in plastic. I am he because I too am “fighting a hard battle”. The battle to “know thyself”, the battle to “feel”, the battle to grieve and the battle to forgive and the battle to heal.

This Marine that I am is above all frightened that the great mother, the divine, won’t be there for him, won’t love him, won’t nurture him and that he will always be cut off from love, love of self and love of other. He is angry because of this mistaken belief. This belief of separateness.

He must “morph “ into an Avatar. My inner Marine needs my wise feminine to be patient with me and teach me to listen, to feel, to understand and even to fight the true battle. The battle towards wholeness and the willingness to be drawn into the mystery, the mystery of the feminine.

When I was up on the mountain last summer questing. I felt Her, I knew Her, the message was loud and clear, “I am with you, have always been with you, and will always be with you, for you are me and I am you”. And that was the beauty and power of the movie Avatar. This message was clear and inspiring.

We must learn to walk on the earth and “see” her light up with our presence. Learn to draw in those parts of ourselves that we want to reject. Learn to “feel” nature, the oneness that we are. After all, we are all Avatars.

Inner Peace, Like a River Under It All

Do I have inner peace? Sometimes..When I was up on the mountain during my vision quest I experienced inner peace when I let my mind relax and melted into the silence.

Silence is the experience of inner peace. My active, no, over active mind dissolves any sense of inner peace. But when I can stop the incessant inner chatter that is usually very negative and fear based, the antithiesis of inner peace, I relax with a breath and remind myself that most and I mean 99% of what my mind tells me isn’t true.

Actually my mind is a excellent soap opera story teller, the difference from the stories in our minds and the stories on tv is we know the ones on tv aren’t real, but we BELIEVE the ones in our minds. When I really stop and listen to what I tell myself all day long, how harsh, even abusive, “You’re so stupid, what an idiot, can’t you ever get it right, you’ll never be good enough”, well you get the picture… If this were a parent talking to a child we might feel compelled to protect the child or even take the child home with us. We all have this inner critic to some degree and this voice is hell bent to keep us from feeling any inner peace. Inner peace is threatening to this voice because how would we get anything done!!!! I went to hear Adyshanti and he spoke about this very eloquently.

Our ego and super ego (the inner critic) believe our survival is dependent on getting things done, the “RIGHT” things, you know making money, keeping your house clean, paying your bills, taking care of your spouse and children etc…And the inner critics job is to keep giving us that kick in the butt for fear we will stop DOING!

But what Adyshanti spoke about so clearly is when we feel inner peace we naturally do what needs to be done. We don’t stress about it because there is a flow that comes out of inner peace a natural flow. We get hungry so we eat, we need money to buy our food so we go to work, we are inspired to care for our loved ones so we do it. It’s really living in the present and allowing the choices we make came from a deeper place, our authentic nature, our hearts, our divinity rather than our minds. I love what Ekhart Tolle says about our minds, they are great tools but they are not who we are.

He also says when we are stressing, which is always from thinking about the future or the past, to ask ourselves what is true right now? For instance I worry about my writing, I have a very loud voice that says “I can’t write”. It has stopped me from writing more times than I can remember, so instead of stopping, I ask myself what is true right now? What’s true is it doesn’t matter whether I can write or not because I am writing. Whether it will be published or not, I don’t know, I will deal with that when the time comes, but for now I am feeling inner peace because I am in the moment and not listening to the stories I have told myself since I was a child about my writing abilities.

The truth is I do have inner peace, it’s always there like an under ground river flowing constantly, silently and unseen, nourishing the life above ground. When I allow myself to drop into the present moment and the silence that is always running deep I have only to stop, breathe and feel the peace bubbling up and washing over me.

Depression as a teacher

Depression 4 Oct 09

Depression is as common as the cold. It's something many of us have experienced. It's a state I've experienced from time to time. My father and his mother struggled with it. You could say it runs in the family. You could say I am a recovering depression-aholic. Like an alcoholic, there are some chemical tendencies and I believe much of the pattern is learned behavior that becomes a habit. And habits can be hard to break but not impossible. I do know that diet and exercise can help with the chemical tendencies and thus make the process of healing a clearer path. For the purpose of this exploration I am focusing on the repression of feelings as a learned behavior which is a cause of depression. We have learned this behavior from our parents, their parents and the culture at large.

I think depression is like a security blanket which can feel traumatic when it's lost. One has to learn other ways of getting attention and expressing feelings, especially anger. Depression is like a mass of unidentified emotion, painful because of the overwhelming amount of feeling and because one feels so powerless. And yet, depression is "safer" than naming the separate feelings that make up the mass of emotion. Why? Because if we start engaging the feelings, one by one, we might have to change.

Depression is a way to stay the same, secure in the known, homeostasis. And if it was a pattern in your family, as it was in mine then it is even safer because depression was what we were taught as a coping skill, like using TV, work, alcohol, drugs, all the other ways we're all taught to numb difficult feelings.

My dad would get depressed when he felt angry, sad, anxious, frustrated and I imagine his mother did too. She committed suicide. Her pain, anger and grief were so terrifying to her the only way she could find freedom was to leave her physical body. Though tragic, I am grateful for the lessons she passed on. We can find freedom in this life.

The power of the habit of depression: Notice if you get depressed around your family of origin. I used to. It's the way I would tell them how angry I am. It's actually passive aggressive (a "safe" way of expressing anger), because I know how much they want me to be happy. Do you get depressed when angry, sad or afraid or even happy? This is our body and mind's way of telling us that these feelings are somehow not safe to feel. We've been taught this. Most people were not taught that it was okay to express anger, grief, fear or even joy. Feelings give us important information about who we are and what is important to us.

Anger tells us what works, what doesn't, what we want and don't, where we might need to set boundaries. We are resistant to feeling the anger, because if we know what we want or don't want then we might have to say something, like NO. This is hard because we've been raised that saying NO or asking for what we want might get us into trouble, sometimes serious trouble. So it is safer (and often it was safer when we were children) to turn the feelings on ourselves which causes negative self talk and depression.

Grief and sadness tell us how deeply we feel about someone or something. This feeling of loss can seem unbearable. And often we saw our parents tuck away their grief, drink instead, or tell us not to cry. We might have seen them get depressed and disappear in their room as if grief were a shameful feeling. Yet if we block these feelings, we never get to appreciate what the past has given us -- and it's often sweet, when we can get past the fear of grief it then can transform into gratitude and love for those that have passed.

Fear - now this is a powerful emotion! It tells us what might not be safe and yet paradoxically it can tell us what might be an enriching and enlightening experience. Avoid what you're afraid of and you avoid life and learning more about who you are. So, ask yourself, ok, what's real about this fear? Can I do what I'm afraid of and still bring my fear along? Then I realize that what I am afraid of has very little to do with reality. It's made up of the stories I tell myself and these stories are fiction. Soap operas actually, oh so dramatic. I have learned that what I am afraid of is full of power. Like the fear I felt about the Cougars and Bears in the mountains where I did my vision quest. The Native Americans believe that animals have power and wisdom for us humans if we choose to listen. That's what our fears are trying to tell us, they have power and wisdom if we would just listen.

Fear can be a good adviser but not a guide or master. Fear may come along on the walk of life, but it's the truth, through experience that tells us what's real. And stuffing one's feelings keeps us from experiencing and learning from the truth -- and eventually can lead to depression. The word depression means "pushing down". Our feelings, if we let them, can give us a key to unlocking aspects of who we truly are and helps us de-code the soap opera. Many people live and make choices because they believe their personal soap opera. How many of your fears have really come true? How much of your life have you not lived because fear became your Master?

Although it's a hard-won skill, we all can learn to sit with, walk with and learn from our feelings, whether pleasant or dark, and the important thing to know is they can't kill us -- and eventually they liberate us because we learn to "know thyself" (the key motto from Socrates, the key to wisdom). It's only by denying the mass of our emotions that they become the great dark unknown and fearful dragon that can overwhelm and threaten to annihilate us.

I am not suggesting you go out and slam people with your newly uncovered feelings, actually that is the opposite of what I am saying. Our feelings are a guide to deeper truths, use them to uncover your desires, dreams and what you love. Throwing them out on others is just another addiction designed to distract you from feeling vulnerable and facing your deeper desires.

The healing from this is gradual, done one step at a time, the way you tend a garden or raise a child or get to know a puppy from the pound who may have been abused and whom you get to know gradually -- and win its trust. I was watching the original Star Wars the other night and here is Obi Wan telling Luke, "Go with the Force, Luke, trust your...FEELINGS!!" I was amazed. There it was in scifi folklore. The need to trust our feelings, not run from them. And, of course, it took Luke many episodes to fully learn to trust his feelings and find his "power" (himself) in the Force. The "force" was the force of awareness, honesty and courage learned from his feelings. If we do not honor the force we will fell depressed. But if we listen and honor our depression, sometimes called "the dark night of the soul" we will be guided to the power and wisdom of our unique feelings, yearnings and desires.

--Ann Barton, M.A., counselor/coach, 541-951-9136